Screenplay Comments III

Bob Gregory, eminent professor and bloody-Mary-loving good-time friend from Wellington, writes:

"I read your screenplay. I couldn't put it down, from start to finish. Reminded me a wee bit of Pulp Fiction.

As you well know, I'm not a literary/theatre/film critic, just a boring old political scientist. So what the hell do I know?

Some brief comments:

I found the enthusiasm of Jill in joining Clive and Lou immediately after the hold-up rather too neat and tidy, lacking credibility. Abused partners of men don't always rush at the opportunity for 'freedom', and may even be totally shocked and distaught if confronted by Clive's shooting of Frank. Asa consequence Jill's character is not well rounded out, not enough emotional ambivalence or trauma?

Lou's departure to the other gang is a bit obscure. He seems to vanish from the script and then appears suddenly later with the Lorettes.

The demise of the two women, Jill and Karen, also seems rather stark, stretching credibility somewhat -- especially in Karen's case. Blown off a roof? And how would such a huge wind have affected Clive's shooting?

I like the final scene, especially as I thought Clive and Lou had finally got their beans. But I think that the sequence of Clive alive and then revealing his gauze dressings (one assumes he was protected by a flak jacket, or were the wounds not fatal?), should be reversed -- wouldn't a more dramatic effect be gained by first showing a close-up of gauze dressings on a man's chest, then panning back slowly, to reveal Clive as the wearer, very much alive, etc?"

Now I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking. And there I was thinking everything was perfect and the cameras could start rolling immediately. Does any one reading this have expertise on rifles and know if high winds would affect a shot at a target that's a block and a half away?